Monday, July 5, 2010

POEM: high anxiety

the human body cannot sustain
high levels of anxiety
for very long
the acute state of utter despair
will wane

at least for a little while
a means of self-protection
from the damage such intensity
could wreak

like labor pains
rest comes during the brief calm
between desperation & numbness
even knowing the storm will swell
once more

and when it does
realization will hit harder
with each passing wave
taking my breath away
with the exquisite pain
of the unknown
becoming manifest

Thursday, July 1, 2010

POEM: here I go again

I am here again
in that same place
the precipice before the fall
only this time I know
all too well
what the ground looks like
before I hit it

POEM: pebbles tossed

how will I learn to cope
to cope, to cope, to cope
all my life
all life
is about that
coping with the worst
the best
the everything that is

we think each day
is a course
to be finished
but there is no line
no path to follow
only circles
pebbles tossed
at random

POEM: insatiable hope

hope is a dangerous thing
if you don’t feed it enough
a hungry mouth
that once thrived
on hidden fears
becomes ravenous
and tears the thin flesh
of denial
devouring anything
without discrimination
revealing brittle bones
of random dreams
once buried deep
in the dark cave
of lost faith
starkly pale in weak defiance
bleached white
by cold reality
and picked clean by truth
hope slowly succumbs
to starvation
and left in its wake
is a hunger deeper than before
swallowing everything

Saturday, April 17, 2010

POEM: iron curtain

there is a curtain slowly being drawn
between before and after
it blocks out the light
impossibly obscuring my view
on both sides
I want to yank it open
but it won’t budge
and my fingers get caught
in the lacy threads
there is no distant horizon
no rear view
only the intricate woven patterns
of the tangled cloth
draping everything

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

POEM: if few and far between

I want to know happiness again
to feel it warm my cold bones
like spring
find a new way to be myself
come to terms
with lingering wounds
as fresh sap runs
through my poisoned veins

this long season of despair
must not leave me diminished
my legacy to my children
cannot be
a mother root-bound by cancer
they need
I need
to believe that these changes
somehow were transcended
into a new life still worth living
reaching for the sun
let there be lush moments
if few and far between
then at least enough
to scatter a few seeds
and hope they take root

Monday, April 5, 2010

POEM: closer still

even with Death stalking me

closer still now
hot breath
upon my neck

I fail
I fall
I forget
to give all I have
to live all I am

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

POEM: veiled threat

who wears the veil
hiding the truth?
what shroud is worse;
is it the one worn by
the woman I was,
blind to the danger
growing silently inside me?

or is the one worn by
the woman I am now,
who only sees the world
thru a dark haze,
by the endless havoc
wreaked upon my body?

one veil shields
the other reveals,
both conceal clarity
in a misty layer,
a shadow
blurring the precious vision
I once held of myself

I long to shed
this faint cloud
that obscures my sight,
but I find myself afraid
the glare may be too much
and could turn my eyes
to seek the thin solace of darkness

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Poem: pink is not

pink is not my color
i am not a warrior wrapped
in baby-girl shades

draped in softness
i am a grown woman

facing terror
running into it head on
like walking on hot coals

red flames dancing at my feet
or deeply holding my ground
while steel blue waves

toss my body
thrashing it upon the shore
but pink is not my color
it is just a tag
a faded label

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

POEM: innocence lost

once your body has betrayed you
it is impossible to forget
you can forgive
like a lover that strayed
now seeking absolution
my body has been punished enough
for its sin
but I will always remember
the feel of it
something out of place
not right
and will instinctively go
to that place
whenever a vague symptom
a trust once broken so deeply
cannot be regained
and I weep for my innocence lost
and the freedom it took with it

Monday, January 4, 2010

POEM: yesterday

Wasn't it just yesterday
I sat moody
sprawled on my bedroom floor
draped over my guitar
scratching away on pages
laid before me
like a banquet
feasting upon the youth
of my own song?

POEM: creation vs. destruction

to utterly destroy
is to make way for creation
both locked in an endless dance
a tumbling struggle
one defies the other
defines the other
each contains the other's seed
and lays a tangled journey
in front of me

POEM: thru this pen

There is no real comfort
for me now
no haven for my body
to find peace
to retreat into
no deep rest
from this wearying plague
any escape left to me
flows only thru this pen

POEM: vanity

This is real
not a movie
some late night tear-jerker
where the heroine
shaves her head
I am not brave
nor resolute
not willing to let go
I am vain
watching helplessly
as my crowning glory
strand by strand
hope against hope
that somehow
my grandmother's roots
the same ones that kept the gray
from tainting my locks
beyond the pale of youth
hoping those tough familial roots
would spare me this indignity
this insult upon too many others
but roots only go so deep
and hair is as mortal
as vanity