POEM: room with a view

People listen when you have cancer
they stop, hanging on every word I say
funny
suddenly my thoughts have more weight
as if I’ve opened a door to wisdom
closed to every one else

Maybe there is such a door
open to me now
new vistas on the other side
perspective shifted
clarity comes in waves
unbidden

But I’m not sure about the wisdom part
perhaps that is not it
perhaps the only thing I have learned
from glimpsing behind that door
that heavy, terrible door
is that I know less than I ever dreamed
my view, unimpeded by triviality
unlocked
goes on for miles

POEM: residue

cancer has left a trail
of dust and debris
that has no where to go
it can’t be swept up
trying to
only scatters the particles
more and more
creating a hazy cloud
swirling in the sunbeam
where it might have been missed
dancing defiantly in the light
until a shadow comes
and all evidence disappears
from view

sometimes
others unknowingly pass thru
without realizing
everything in sight
is covered in a thin dusty layer
the residue my reminder
of futility

POEM: Janis knew

I remember singing Bobby McGee
eyes closed tight
lost completely in the moment
pouring all my angst
into each simple line
as I rocked back and forth
strumming the guitar intently

I lacked a little of the rasp
that signature voice
the edge that comes with age
or from knowing the deep ache
of hard blues, intimately
yet still fresh
entrenched in youth
when I first learned the song
I could hardly have known
what was to come
what there was to be lost

“Freedom’s just another word
for nothin’ left to lose”

I will never be free like that again
and I miss it immeasurably
the loss pulls tight at me sometimes
on a late summer night like this
mournful of all that has come to pass

meaning awakens realization now
I know that freedom can be traded
or lost like a poor soul
every wisdom comes with a price
mine is to know that I have everything
and that it is all so beautifully fleeting

I think Janis knew too

POEM: the tie that binds

Slipping away
like silken strands
loose
too smooth to catch firmly
clutching frantically
my grasp is weak
memories run through my grip
faster than I can hold them
the recollection of what it was like
before
of what my life used to be
when I was whole
that precious, simple existence
disappears
as the tether that binds it to me
is yanked away too quickly
the tie severed, cut
and any knot retied
will be a constant reminder
even if I close my eyes
I’ll still feel it

POEM: beyond every why

you melt me
one glimmer of smile
and I am gone
your joy
is mine
and I am smitten
beyond comprehension
such a powerful thing
the love of a mother
for her children
it is the truth
in all beauty
and the reason
beyond every why

POEM: full circle

when you first grew
in my body
I wondered how I could love
another child as much
as I loved my first

so deep has been my love for Megan
I couldn’t imagine another being
coming into that circle
but you, our sweet Daniel

you not only joined our circle
you somehow made it more complete
a loving embrace
to hold us all tight

seamless

as if you had been there all along

I believe in some way you were

always a part of us

even before you arrived

POEM: Meggie's Eyes

after you were born
from the moment you opened your eyes
for the first time
dark baby blue, endless
I got lost in their depth
falling deeper in love than I ever imagined
I wondered what they would look like
as you grew

Slowly they turned brighter blue
sparkling
sharp, searching, focusing
finding my face easily
our eyes locked into long soulful looks

as I nursed you for hours
your stare was intense
even strangers often remarked
about the powerful beauty
of your strong gaze

As the first years began to pass
I wondered if your eyes might turn green
like mine
for many years of my childhood
my mother said I had blue eyes
but when I looked at my face
really looked at my own face
they were not blue
but green
even photographs showed the change
she hadn’t noticed

No one in my family has my eyes
they are unique
my favorite thing
about myself
I’ve never seen the color on anyone else
until the day you looked up at me
barely four
smiling
and there they were staring back at me
pale green
enticing
like the sea on a gentle shore
and I knew
I saw them
I saw you
finally my eyes were no longer
alone
and on you they are more beautiful
than I could have ever dreamed