POEM: before

  

taken 7/09 the eve of my mastecomy

I weep for the earnest face
framed by smooth hair
her calm betrayed
by frightened eyes
that visible dread
almost enviable
a dull blade
compared to experience


my tears shed from a future
filled with unexpected loss
heaped upon the pyre
of what she had anticipated
sobbing for what could have been
for my present reflection
more unrecognizable, yet
just tauntingly familiar enough


I long to tightly encircle
that intact visage
protected in my arms
stroke her smooth hair
oh that lovely smooth hair
and tell her, murmur
whisper in her ear softly
something…but what?

I cannot tell her the truth
too soon to reason away
this much heartless reality
so I would tell her only
that I will try to love her
realizing it won’t be enough
but knowing it is all that’s left
for us both

POEM: high anxiety

the human body cannot sustain
high levels of anxiety
for very long
the acute state of utter despair
will wane
automatically

at least for a little while
a means of self-protection
from the damage such intensity
could wreak

like labor pains
rest comes during the brief calm

between desperation & numbness
even knowing the storm will swell

once more

and when it does

realization will hit harder

with each passing wave

taking my breath away
with the exquisite pain
of the unknown

becoming manifest

POEM: here I go again

I am here again
in that same place
the precipice before the fall
only this time I know
all too well
what the ground looks like
before I hit it

POEM: pebbles tossed

how will I learn to cope
to cope, to cope, to cope
all my life
all life
is about that
coping
coping with the worst
the best
the everything that is

we think each day
is a course
to be finished
but there is no line

no path to follow
only circles
rings
pebbles tossed
at random

POEM: insatiable hope

hope is a dangerous thing
if you don’t feed it enough
suddenly
a hungry mouth
that once thrived
on hidden fears
becomes ravenous
and tears the thin flesh
of denial
devouring anything
without discrimination
revealing brittle bones
of random dreams
once buried deep
in the dark cave
of lost faith
starkly pale in weak defiance
bleached white
by cold reality
and picked clean by truth
hope slowly succumbs
to starvation
and left in its wake
is a hunger deeper than before

swallowing everything

POEM: iron curtain

divided
there is a curtain slowly being drawn
between before and after
it blocks out the light
impossibly obscuring my view
on both sides
I want to yank it open
but it won’t budge
and my fingers get caught
in the lacy threads
there is no distant horizon
no rear view
only the intricate woven patterns
of the tangled cloth
draping everything

POEM: if few and far between

I want to know happiness again

to feel it warm my cold bones
like spring
find a new way to be myself
come to terms
with lingering wounds

as fresh sap runs

through my poisoned veins

this long season of despair

must not leave me diminished
my legacy to my children
cannot be

a mother root-bound by cancer
they need
I need
to believe that these changes
irrevocable
unbidden
somehow were transcended
transformed
sprouting

into a new life still worth living

beauty-filled

reaching for the sun
let there be lush moments

if few and far between
then at least enough

to scatter a few seeds

and hope they take root